I'm just gonna drop this off. *walks off whistling*
ANSWERING
SERVICE OPERATOR’S MANIFESTO
WHEN YOU CALL A PLACE
OF BUSINESS AND GET AN ANSWERING SERVICE:
Just a few Helpful
Pointers from the other end of the phone. Also, Swear Words Here. Be
Ye warned.
- TRIM THE FAT
Know
that I paraphrase. I am often given less space than a tweet to get
your message across. An entire 10 minute story about how you stubbed
your toe two weeks ago and the toenail lifted up and there was a
bruise and they gave you medicine and now you think it might be
giving you a rash and making you throw up is going to be condensed
into 4 words. i.e.: MEDS ISSUES- RASH&VOMITING. 15 minutes on
how there’s poo on the floor tiles, patterned shower curtain and
matching towels in your master bath will become SEWAGE SPILL-MASTER
BATH when I am done with you. I care little for the progression of
events; tell me what is at issue NOW.
- HANDLE YOUR SHIT.
Please,
for the love of Deity, have your information and pen and paper with
you. I may have to refer you to call someone else at times. Be ready
to write down a telephone number. I have shit to do. I do not want
to “hang on” while you get a pen, run out to the car to get your
paperwork, find your account number or FOR THE LOVE OF DEITY call
your fucking spouse to find out what your child’s fucking date of
fucking birth is. If you find yourself needing to do any of those
things, hang up and call back. I can almost guarantee I will still
be here.
- NAME-DROPPING
“I
know so-and-so who knows so-and-so who knows the owner of the
business…” Wow. Yeah, um, this may surprise you, but I don’t
care. In the slightest. Really, I have no fucks to give about who
your mother’s sister’s cousin’s former roommate is or how much
stock they own in the business you just called. Your message will get
handled promptly and correctly, JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE’S. If the
fucking POTUS* called this business his call would get handled the
same way. Just sayin’. Which brings me to…
- PROFESSIONALISM
I
am, astoundingly, a professional. I answer your telephone call at
all hours (there are 24 in a day and I or one of my coworkers can be
reached all 24 of them) and dispatch it to the proper person.
Promptly. That is my job. It is What I Do. It is NOT my fault if
a.) they can’t be bothered to return phone calls. or b.) you are
such a pain in the balls that they don’t or won’t call you back.
You yelling at me, calling me names, and/or telling me what pieces of
shit the people you just called are is not going to get your call
delivered any faster.
5.)
YOU’RE STRESSED. I GET IT.
I
still need to do my job and handle your issue correctly. With as
much information as they ask me to get from you. Do Not tell me I
don’t need a particular piece of information if I ask you for it.
Cuz I do. Your (insert business here) has given me a form to fill
out when you call looking for them and get me. This form has spaces
for all the information they want to know when I
text/email/call/light the bat signal. FYI: Should you refuse to give
me something I ask for I MUST document that. Think, before you get
hateful and spite-y, about how your message is going to come across.
Name:
ANY O. CUSTOMER
Acct#:
REFUSED
Phone#:
123-456-7890
Address:
REFUSED
Regular
Widget Handler: REFUSED
Message:
Thinks you are a crappy widget company and wishes you would die in a
fire, but needs 2 gross of widget # 9876598.
Don’t sigh and suck your teeth at me when I ask you to spell your
name either.My name is not Merriam OR Webster. I can’t spell Siebold
Adelbertkreiger off the top of my head without help. (OK, I
can, that one, but YMMV**) Rattling off your phone number at
lightning speed is simply going to cause me to ask you to repeat
yourself. Subsequently, I cannot have the on-call person call you
back if you don’t provide your phone number.
6.)
BE REASONABLE.
Should
you be calling after normal business hours, be certain you are
calling about an EMERGENCY or URGENT situation. Your apartment
complex maintenance folk are not going to come out at 11pm to help
you hang curtains. (true story bro) Don’t be surprised when I can’t
make you a dentist appointment at 3 am. Don’t cuss me out because
there’s no one on call for your trash service at midnight. Be
aware that I may be getting someone out of their bed to attend to
you. Give them a reasonable, sane amount of time to return your
call. 30 minutes (with some notable exceptions***) is not
unreasonable. If it is, then mayhap you should be calling 911, not
me. Asking me when someone is going to call you back will always get
you the same answer, to whit: “As soon as I can get the message to
them.” This means you have to fucking hang up and stop asking me
when they will call you back so I can GET the message to them.
Additionally, give service technicians making house calls time to get
to you. If you, or the tech on call, live in East Bunglefuck
Backofbeyond and there’s a blizzard on, it may take a while to get
to you.
7.)
ANSWER THE PHONE.
You
just called. I told you someone would be calling you back. In some
instances, I even gave you a time frame in which to expect the call.
Yes, I know life happens. So when you call me back saying you missed
the call once, ok. But the third or fourth time in the space of an
hour I have to page your issue out because you didn’t answer the
first 3 calls? Don’t be surprised if the on call person has given
me instructions that they are not going to call again. To them, and
to me, your issue gets less urgent every time you don’t pick the
phone up. Harsh, but true.
- SOMETIMES, I CAN’T HELP YOU.
I
do what the business who is MY customer asks me to. If they don’t
want me taking appointment cancellations or “can you have Person A
call me at first light” messages, I won’t. I can’t. Not even
for you, O Special Snowflake. Shocking, I know. You did all that
name-dropping in the beginning of the call and I still won’t take
your message because I keep saying I’m not allowed to. Whatever
will you do now? You’ll have to gasp Handle Your Shit!
You’ll have to remember to call them during business hours! Which,
if you ask, I am happy to provide.
9.)
EVEN I HAVE LIMITS
I
will only put up with so much. It’s a lot, but there is a cap.
Start calling me a fucking idiot and discussing my ancestry and
hygiene habits, and I will ask you once, politely, to stop.
Continue, and I will document that you did it and HANG UP ON YOUR
ASS. And no, I’m not lying. And no, you can’t deny it, because
your call was recorded. And yes, I will be telling the business you
were calling about it. Oh, and news flash: prank calls are so passé.
I have caller ID, the call has been recorded, and the number to the
local PD in your area is not but a Google away.
In
summation, act like a grown up when calling a business. There are
real, live people on the other end of the phone.
No
Love,
Me.
*
President Of The United States
**
Your Mileage May Vary
***
Hospice nurses. 10 minutes tops.
APPENDICES
TO THE ORIGINAL MANIFESTO:
Appendix
#1:
YOU
ARE NOT SPECIAL.
No
matter what your *insert loving caretaker here* told you. I cannot
“call the back line” to your doctor’s office for you because
you think you are a special snowflake. That line is reserved for
other doctors and medical professionals, not for some dumb schmuck
who has decided they are more important than the rest of the
universe. I cannot contact someone other than who is on call just
because you’re too important to talk to who is. See #3. And for
those of you using the rewards programs? No, I can’t fix your
expired points. They are expired. No amount of whining, moaning and
complicated stories about how you moved from West Gazongstahaven to
North Overshoe and forgot to change your address so you didn’t know
your points were expiring will change that. Especially if you get
your points statements by email. I can see that, y’know. The
points are gone. That’s kinda what “expired” means, innit?
Appendix
#2:
TAKE
THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH
Stop
eating whatever that is that you are chewing in my ear. You sound
like an industrial threshing machine for fuck’s sake. Speak
clearly. Enunciate. I, of all people, am fully aware that American
English is not everyone’s first language. Take your time and try
for clarity. There is nothing so frustrating as trying to decipher
10 digits rattled off at speeds that would make a machine gun blush
with a thick as peanut butter (you eat what you like…)
Wheresowhatsian accent. Take me off speakerphone, because I can
hear everything going on around you. EVERYTHING. Turn the
goddam-noisy-box down off of the 999 decibels of Monty Jessica
Springer I can hear behind you, push the pause button on the Bitches
N’Hoes or Fast Train to Hicksville track you have playing so loud
the bass is vibrating me from 4 states away, or the twang is snapping
my bra strap, and put the fucking dog out. Y’know, so you can
Handle Your Shit. (See #2)
And
put the damn bong down. I can hear that, too.
Appendix
#3:
IS
YOU IS OR IS YOU AIN’T?
It’s
a simple question. “Is this an emergency?” If I ask you that, I
am required to. Do you need me to wake someone, or can this wait
until office hours? Make A Fucking Decision. More often than not,
the response I get to that simple question is “Well, I’m not
sure…” ARGFLARBLEGRAH!! You fucking called me at 2:47 am and
you’re not sure whether it’s an emergency? And don’t ask me if
I think it’s an emergency. I’m not the one with a case of the
galloping nevergetovers, the maggots in my carpet (this time) or the
motor oil seeping from my ceiling. I don’t HAVE to make this shit
up, folks. Just you remember that.
Appendix
#4:
ONE
AT A TIME, PLEASE.
If
you are on the phone, be on the phone. If your spouse, partner,
auntie, grandpa or spirit guide wants to talk to me, kindly ask them
to Wait Their Turn. It’s very distracting to have 2 (3, 7) people
talking to me at once, especially if one of them is screeching from
across the room.
Appendix
#5:
YOUR
CALL WILL BE ANSWERED
I
promise. Even if I have to put you on hold for a minute. Or 5. If
you hang up and call right back, I will put your ass on hold again.
Not out of spite, out of necessity. Usually, if I am answering the
phone when you call, I am here alone. All by me onesie, answering
for the hundred-odd businesses that are our clients. If I put you
on hold the fist time, I was fucking busy. I am still fucking busy 3 seconds later. Deal.
Understand
that I may a.) have 37 calls that came in before yours, or b.) have
more urgent calls than yours. Sorry, hospice patient with a fever
trumps calling at 1 am to get your trash picked up the next day.
Appendix
#6:
SPEAKER
O’ THE HOUSE
While
I appreciate that not everyone in the world slings the same lingo,
(see App.#2) please choose your translator carefully. It may behoove
you to wait to make your call, if possible, until there is an
English-speaker around that is over 10 years old. Speaking for the 4
year olds of the world that have had to translate for the grown-ups
(because I was one), messages WILL get garbled. Badly. Even if you
plied us with candy.
Appendix
#7 (might be time for an appendectomy here...)
(SOME
OF) MICHAEL BUBLE’S FANS ARE ASSHOLES.
There
is a certain parking garage in a certain city, which we take care of
after hours. You push the big red “HELP” button, you get me.
There was recently a concert by the above mentioned crooner, after
which folks had trouble getting out of the parking garage. The abuse
endured was astronomical. Seriously? Really though? The folks who
attended the Slipknot concert were by FAR more polite. They didn't
swear at me for asking for their phone number. They didn't
threaten to ram the gate for asking for their name. They didn't
cuss me out for the fact that the parking garage doesn’t accept
cash after 10 pm. THEY didn't call the cops on me because I asked
them to use a different gate than the one clearly marked “OUT OF
ORDER”.
FINIS.
Please to understand that this is all MY OPINION. This Be A Rant. With rantiness. It isn't likely to make anyone but call center/answering service employees laugh, but there it is.
